My Dog Teaches … Advice to Santa
 Apparently, Santa has been at his job a long time, so you
would think he should be pretty expert at it by now and have all
the wrinkles ironed out. While we dogs are generally happy with
his overall performance (after all, we get some nice stuff too)
there are some things he does which, from a dog’s point of view,
could be improved. So here is Santa’s Job Performance Review
from a dog’s perspective.
First, why does he come only once a year? Obviously, from a
selfish point of view, who wouldn’t want to get gifts more
often? But leaving that aside, people tend to be friendlier and
more positive around the time he makes his appearance. Even
newspersons can find some good news stories instead of all the
doom and gloom, death and disaster. (By the way, that’s the main
reason we dogs don’t read newspapers or watch television news –
they focus on the bad things in life when in reality there are
so many good things to put your attention on.)
But there are some things Santa does just don’t make any sense
and could be thought to be downright dangerous. Consider, for
instance, entering the house by coming down the chimney. (Now
for me personally, I’m not going to be much bothered. Heck, I’ll
go get a tennis ball and get him to play fetch with me. The only
downside is that he is on such a tight schedule that he will
have to leave well before I’ve had enough.)
But while I may be an anomaly, most of my fellow dogs consider
it their jobs to protect their masters’ homes. So if anyone
comes in uninvited, especially in such a surreptitious way as by
the descending down the chimney, most dogs are likely to take
offence and do all they can to protect their territory. At a
minimum, they will bark or growl menacingly. A few may be so
upset at this unexpected intrusion that they may bite. (Which is
another reason why using the chimney is such a poor choice,
especially for a rotund person; the cramped quarters make it
very difficult for Santa to protect himself with his arms and
very easy for a dog to attack the nether regions. But come to
think of it, maybe that’s why he wears such big boots.)
Another thing that is difficult to fathom is why Santa would
land his sled on the roof. While some of us don’t have the best
eyesight, we are very alert to unusual noises. Our masters may
sleep through a team of reindeer and a sled landing on the roof,
but I can’t imagine many dogs doing so.
Furthermore, we are hardly likely to miss the scent of eight
reindeer – nine if Rudolph makes the trip. I would give Santa
some advice based on the fact that dogs have thousands of years
of hunting in our heritage … approach from downwind. Unless the
wind changes, we may not be able to pick up the scent.
 Speaking of scent, if Santa wants the presents to remain wrapped
until the morning, he should refrain from putting anything that
smells good under the tree. And because some dogs love to chew,
that can include things like leather gloves and smelly plastic
toys. (You would think that with all his experience, Santa
should have gotten the hint by now; how many houses does he have
to visit before he realizes that the common denominator behind
the missing cookies and milk left out for him by the children
are … dogs.)
But the biggest mistake Santa very occasionally makes is to give
a dog (or any pet) as a gift. While dogs make great companions,
we are also a very big commitment and responsibility. If a child
gets bored with a toy, it can remain untouched in the toy box or
be thrown away or recycled – not so easy when it is a dog. Not
that puppies can’t make great presents, but only if this has
been thoroughly discussed and agreed upon beforehand, with the
knowledge that looking after a dog is very much like caring for
a perpetual two-year-old human.
Oh. And one last bit of advice for Santa; he might consider
getting a dog himself (after discussing with Mrs. Santa and the
elves, of course). He may be able to lose some of those excess
pounds by getting more exercise – and we dogs just love taking
our masters for walks.
Previous "Petitorial"
articles by David McKague:
Editor’s note:
I would like to encourage dog lovers everywhere
to start a PETITION to have this law thrown out or revised to such
a form where justice prevails. SFR.
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